


Never Trust a Sicilian

by firstordershitposting (ald0us)



Series: Classic Blunders [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Heist, Hux is Not Nice, M/M, i wrote this at 3 am, kylo is aroused, mitaka is afraid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6448819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ald0us/pseuds/firstordershitposting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never go in against General Hux when death (or credits) are on the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Trust a Sicilian

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MajorGodComplex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorGodComplex/gifts).



_  
“Ren,_ ” Hux grit out, spitting the name from between his perfectly straight teeth, “stop that infernal noise. I’m trying to concentrate, and I can’t do that if you’re _pacing_ and scratching at the walls like an animal.”

Ren growled from under his mask. “I suppose you’d use the quiet to devise a brilliant strategy to rescue us from this ridiculous situation? The Supreme Leader—“

“—need never know,” Hux finished smoothly, his voice dripping with condescension and his usually disgusted countenance smug. He stood up, maintaining perfect posture as he did it, smoothing the front of his uniform. “The situation is completely under control.”

“You better get your glorious ‘plan’ underway soon,” Ren told him. “The guards are headed this way now.”

Hux sneered at him. Ren noticed he had very sharp canines. “Worried, Ren?”

It was a low comeback, even for the general, but Ren let it slide. If being trapped in a cell with himself for over three hours was half as aggravating as it was for him to be in a cell with Hux, he could see how Hux’s composure might slip. Ren had wondered a few times whether their captors were trying to see which one would kill the other first. He had at first been offended by the thought, but a cursory skim of the man’s mind revealed a more concentrated core of cold rage than Ren had ever managed himself. If he had been more Force-sensitive than a pebble, he could have been a formidable enemy.

The holding cell door slid open and two Weequays entered the cell. Hux’s nose wrinkled and Ren had to agree that they smelled quite awful. Each took one of Ren’s arms and pinned them to his sides. Ren grimaced under his mask. The whole affair was infuriatingly humiliating. He reached into the Force—

“One little twitch and the redhead gets it,” a third Weequay said, striding through the doorway, a blaster aimed Hux’s way.

Temptation like nothing else Kylo had ever faced before loomed. It would be so easy to claim he’d defended the general, begged for his life. No one but the Supreme Leader would ever suspect. But if Snoke ever found out that he’d disobeyed a direct order to keep Hux alive—

“Hondo Ohnaka, I presume?” Hux said. Ohnaka was a good few inches taller than the general, and the way his chin tipped up to face the pirate in the eyes was almost comical.

“Pleased to make your acquaintance, General,” Ohnaka said, giving Hux his most fake sweeping bow. Hux’s lip twitched and Ren felt an almost physical stab of hate from Hux’s direction. “I hope you gentlemen are most comfortable in our humble abode.”

It was a lot for even a pirate, and Hux’s composure was cracking fast. “What do you want with us?”

“The ransom, of course,” Ohnaka said. “I was thinking I’d contact the First Order and the Republic. Starting bid, a million credits.”

“A million?!” Hux exclaimed, openly aghast. Ren couldn’t blame him—a million credits would supply a contingent of Phasma’s stormtroopers for a month, if not more.

Hux stamped his foot—actually stamped his foot, like a child. “Ren alone is worth at least twice that,” he growled. “And I’ll be damned if you auction me off for less than ten.”

Ren and the Weequay to his left exchanged a look. Ren wasn’t fluent in Weequay body language, but the look on the man’s face was the universal “can you believe this guy?” expression. Ren was seriously considering choking Hux just to shut him up.

Ohnaka raised a ridged brow. “12 million, huh?”

Hux gave him his most regal sneer. “At least.”

 

 

 

“That went well,” Ren said once Ohnaka had left. “Is that seriously the result of all your thinking? Raising the price? Phasma could have used those 12 million credits—“

“Don’t lecture me on accounting,” Hux snapped, drawing himself up to his full height and pointing an accusing finger Ren’s way. “Or do you stop to consider the economic cost to the Order before you cut up my ship’s consoles with your laser sword?”

“That’s not the point and you—“

“That is exactly the point and you know it.”

Ren gave a wordless shout of frustration and hammered his fists against the wall in frustration. “Do you listen to yourself talk? Are you so self-absorbed you can’t see that _upping the starting bid on us_ was a horrible idea?”

Hux arranged his uniform collar against his throat, a combination of nervous and prim. “Father always said not to undervalue myself.”

“That’s not what he meant!” Ren shouted.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Hux sniffed, and refused to say any more.

 

 

 

The only consolation to Ren when he and the general were being frog-marched out of their cell was that Ohnaka was enjoying manhandling Hux almost as much as Ren would have.

That came out wrong.

Either way, the pirate had bound the general’s hands behind his back (wrinkling his uniform, at which Ren felt a spike of hot fury from Hux, who felt the wrinkles as keenly as the death of a child) and pushed him around with his blaster, and it made the general angry and also something that felt suspiciously like sexual frustration. So Hux liked that sort of thing. Ren noted this.

The pirates took them to the hangar bay. Ren’s heart leapt into his throat at the sight of General Organa and her pilot, Poe Dameron. Beside her stood Mitaka and Phasma, the former looking twitchy and nervous, and Phasma completely unreadable. Which made sense, as she was wearing her helmet.

“Anything to say before we begin, _General_?” Ohnaka purred into Hux’s ear, and Ren had to wonder if the pirate’s arm _really_ had to be that tight around Hux’s waist. Not that Ren could blame him. Upon inspection, Hux’s waist proved to be a nice one indeed.

 _Very_ nice, in fact. How had he not noticed before? More to the point, why was he noticing now?

Hux snarled. His perfectly lacquered hair had come somewhat lose during the journey from the cell to the hangar. Ren blamed the bloody greatcoat he always wore for keeping his figure hidden. Maybe that was why he wore the thing. Reducing officer distraction, and all that. “Nothing particular comes to mind.”

“Well, I do,” Organa said. She turned to him. “Ben, I want you to know that I’m not doing this for you. Frankly, I wouldn’t buy you back for one corn chip. I’m doing this to bring you—and him—“ she gestured to Hux, the way one might gesture to a piece of roadkill, “to justice.”

“Justice,” Poe repeated, more loudly than necessary, and Ren very quickly found himself hoping Mitaka hadn’t forgotten the checkbook.

Ohnaka gave Ren a vaguely pitying look. “I’ll give the first bid to the First Order. Do you match 15 million credits?”

“Y—yes,” Mitaka squeaked, as Hux nodded approvingly. “Fifteen million. Right here.” He held up a sizeable credit chip in a gloved hand. Ohnaka held out a hand. Mitaka gave it to him. The pirate put the chip into a machine in his palm. A brief spark of anger crossed his features. Then he began to laugh, a full, harsh laugh.

Mitaka flinched. “I—is there something wrong, Mr. Ohnaka?”

Ohanka pulled out the chip and flung it at him. It hit his cheek. Mitaka winced. Phasma remained expressionless.

“Lieutenant,” Hux began, his voice silky and very dangerous, “did your chip just _bounce?”_

“I’m sorry, sir!” Mitaka squeaked. Ren could feel his terror rolling off him in sickening waves. “It was all so last-minute—I called to confirm twice—“

“The Resistance it is, then,” the pirate announced, a wide grin on his scaly features. Ren’s heart dropped. Poe Dameron grinned. Organa observed them both with grim satisfaction.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” she said, and handed Ohnaka the chip.

What happened next happened very fast. Seconds after the chip was in the pirate’s hands and his grip on his blaster had slackened, the general ripped free of his bonds and knocked Ohnaka’s blaster flying towards Mitaka and Phasma. The rage that had been compressed at Hux’s core flared and he swung around and threw his entire weight into the pirate, pushing him back stumbling with a snarl. Ohnaka grabbed a fistful of Hux’s uniform, but the smaller human tore through his grip and clawed at the Weeqay’s face—Ren hadn’t even seen him take off his gloves. When the two hit the deck, Hux’s uniform was speckled with blood and Ohnaka was nursing the torn remains of his ear.

At the same time both Dameron and Phasma dove for Ohnaka’s displaced blaster. Phasma gripped it in her gloved hand—Dameron slapped it away and knocked it from her grip. It soared through the air and glanced off Mitaka’s skull, knocking the small officer off his feet with a startled cry—

Ren raised a hand and called the blaster to his hand and sent it flying to Phasma just as she wrestled the persistent pilot off and shoved him stumbling towards Organa.

Organa pulled an impressive speed-draw and aimed the blaster at Hux’s head. “It’s over, General.”

Hux grinned with bloody teeth in Ren’s direction, and Kylo Ren’s stomach dropped rather low at the sight of him messy, bloody, ferocious and triumphant. (Not now, boner). “I wouldn’t be so sure of that, _General_ ,” he replied. “Ren here would simply _love_ to kill all of us in present company. Wouldn’t you, Ren?”

Kylo could not deny that this was true.

Phasma aimed the blaster at Organa, for emphasis. Dameron moved to shield her with his body, breathing hard. His nose was bloodied, he looked almost as murderous as Hux.

“A stalemate,” General Organa said, her voice and bearing regal. “Very well. Another time, General.”

“Charmed,” Hux sneered.

 

 

 

“You idiot,” Ren snapped as soon as they were in the command shuttle and out of pirates’ ship tractor range. “What was the point of that stunt? You could have been killed—we could have lost millions of credits—“

“The _point, Ren,”_ Hux began, “is that the First Order is now fifteen million Republic credits richer.”

Ren stared at him. “What?”

Hux held up a credit chip in his ungloved hand. His slim fingers were still red with the pirate’s blood. Kylo’s dick definitely didn’t stir at the sight. “You, of all people, should know better than to _undervalue_ me,” he said with another bloody-mouthed grin.

Mitaka winced and shifted so that he was more concealed by Phasma’s armor.

“We set them up, Ren,” she explained. “We knew the chip would bounce, and that the Resistance wouldn’t pass up the chance to bid on the galaxy’s worst villains. The idiot pirates played their part perfectly—completely by accident, of course. Even Organa and Dameron couldn’t have fallen for it more flawlessly.”

“You set _me_ up, you mean,” Ren growled. “You could have told me—I thought—you could have died—“

“Please, Ren,” Hux snorted. “You’re a worse actor than Mitaka. Do you really think I would trust you with something as delicate as this? The lack of tantrum was, I admit, nearly problematic, but it worked out in the end. Besides.” He gestured to the blood on his uniform with a glint of cold satisfaction. “You would have spoiled all my fun.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title and story inspired by Julius Caesar, who, upon being captured by Sicilian pirates for ransom, was so offended by the sum they were asking that he demanded they increase it from 20 talents of silver to 50. And of course "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" is from the Princess Bride.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](firstordershitposting.tumblr.com), hmu!


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